She Was Here
by patheticbutlovabledemonsidekik
Summary: In the wake of Buffy's death, our two favorite outcasts look to eachother to find what's real. Rated T for later themes.
1. I know

**Disclaimer:  
>Joss Whedon as ascended to a level of human far beyond our own. He has taken the rights to his characters with him. Therefore I don't have them.<br>**

_And just like that she was gone..._

It had been months. Months of waiting. Was it really so hard? She had to come back... What other point was there in living?

They still had that fucking Buffybot walking around. Were they really that stupid? I mean, I was in love with her but they were her best friends. I kinda think they would care more. God, if I could get a word in on their stupid meetings I'd say something. But no one ever listens to me anyway.

I was taking a lot more care of Dawn lately. Obviously while they were out doing their heroic deeds, they couldn't be bothered with me. It didn't matter that I was the strongest and could... I don't know... possibly HELP THEM. Because I was a nusiance. I always had been. I wish B- ... _she _had just staked me early on. I wouldn't have to deal with all this sodding drama.

But back to the nibblet. She was getting so frustrated. Every night I had to hear her complain. Always the same argument.

"Y'know, she was about my age when she started slaying! I have just the same right to go help them!"

"Mmmmm-hmmm." I sipped my brew and turned back to her.

"And Willow and Xander... they were freaking useless when they started out. A couple of dorks! At least I've been fucking conditioned in all this, her being the slayer and all."

"Mmmmm-Hmmmm." She gave me a sharp look. I raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You're not even listening."

"I listened the first fifty bleeding times!"

"You could show a little bit of compassion for me."

"Well look, I'm sorry but maybe I'm a little put off by you insulting your sister and her friends..." I paused and rethought that. "Well...maybe not her friends...but her at least!"

"I'm done showing compassion. All they've ever done was ignore me." She crossed her arms.

"Excuse me?" I set my glass down and gave her a look of disgust. "I'm pretty fucking sure they care about you, considering they lost their best friend to try to save you. That includes me, by the way, so if you don't mind, I'd prefer if you kept your comments to yourself." I picked up the glass. "Your sister loved you. She sodding carked for you. So enough of this 'poor me' crap alright?" I raised my glass but she slapped it out of my hand. I stood up. "What's your problem now?"

"You're my problem! All you can do is sit there drinking-"

"Well," I raised my hands and rolled my eyes "Excuse me for trying to get a little caned. I lost the love of my life and it's kind of my fault."

"Love of your life, huh?" She got up and walked toward me. "Newsflash, limey. She. Never. Loved. You." My blood boiled. Out of nowhere, she gasped and dropped to the floor. Once it hit me that that was due to my fist colliding with her face, I tried to help her up. "Don't fucking touch me." She shooed away my hand and sat back down in her chair. An awkward ailence filled the crypt.

"I know that. I didn't say I was _her_ love. She didn't care about me at all."

"Then why are you so protective of her?"

"Because I'm twisted. And she's dead."

"Don't say that."

"What else do you want me to say?"

"Anything. Just don't say _dead_."

"Why?"

"It's just so... blunt." Her eyes got a little misty.

"I know." I strolled to the other side of the crypt where I kept the glasses. I poured myself another and continued to talk. "But I can't say she passed away. We don't know where she is... If she's anywhere. There's nowhere for her to be away to." I walked back to her and sat back down in my chair with a grunt. "Can't say she's "late" because her death was rather timely if you ask me..." I could feel all the drink beginning to work it's magic. "And I WON'T say she's gone. I can't."

She gave me a puzzled look.

"You're never really "gone" are you? We have to go somewhere..." There was a silence. Finally the elephant got addressed.

"...To hell..." Dawn whispered. The mistiness in here eyes began to form into tears.

"Maybe. Maybe not. If there's a heaven, that's where she is, bit." I gestured upward breifly. "Up there. Your friends don't want to believe it because they want to be the heroes. They want to save the day. Because she's not here to do it." I looked to her, her eyebrows were knit. "Because they don't want to believe that anything good could come of her death. Only something evil could have stolen her away. All that good..." She looked like she was beginning to understand.

"...because the good always suffer."

"That's right, bit. Even us." She smiled a little.

"Dead isn't all that bad." She looked me in the eyes. I knew what she meant.

"Thanks I suppose."

**R&R pleassssssseeee more chapters to come!**


	2. Strawberry Fields

**Disclaimer: Still not Joss or Mutant Enemy. In case you were wondering.**

Another few days past. After we had kind of cleared the air, I thought talking to Spike was a lot easier. It'd be a lie to say I didn't have feelings for him. I mean, he was hot. But that's not all! I swear! He's the only one that ever understood me. I guess we both just end up on the outside. I'm "just a kid." He's "just a monster." He'd always been nice to me, even when I kinda didn't deserve it.

I guess I was just glad he was around. Who else was gonna help me out? With school and everything, it was good to have a place to just sit and work and not have to feel alone. Especially with all the nasties in the world that could come and get me. Or so they say.

"Dawn!" I sat up. I realized that I'd been lying on the floor of the crypt... Probably not the cleanest of options. "I brought you something."

I tried awkwardly to get off the floor then made my way over to him.

"What?" He took out a pizza from behind his back. "Yay!" I clapped and ran over to the couch. He slowly followed and sat next to me.

"Thought you'd be hungry. You haven't been home all day. And I'm pretty sure you're not really considering what we already have here."

"No, blood can be a very sustainable food source from what I hear... Y'know, just not for the more lively of us." He opened the pizza box and sat next to me.

"Eat up. That cost me more money than it was worth. Who eats anchovies anyway?"

I raised an eyebrow but continued to eat my pizza.

"So," I started, partially chewing. How was your day?"

"Same old. You?" But his face said something else.

"Fine..." I put my pizza down. "What wrong with you?"

He sighed and popped open a bottle of Jack. Uh-oh... Jack was his "depressed" drink.

"Nothing." I gave him a disapproving look. He rolled his eyes. "Fine! Fine! I just got into a little fight is all."

"With?"

"Those ruddy morons you live with."

"Hey! I like those 'ruddy morons!'' I tried my best to imitate his accent and ended up with some kind of bad multi-cultural mess.

"They don't want you to come over anymore."

What?

"Why?"

"Just...something I said... I don't want to talk about it."

"Spike..."

"Don't 'Spike' me okay?" He bolted up and yelled. "Spike...Spike... always Spike..." He staggered away. "I had a name..." His breath caught. "William... a little wimpy boy's name. William..." He screwed up his face as if trying hard to concentrate. "I don't remember."

I stood up and hesitantly walked toward him. I knew he was dangerous in this state.

"What don't you remember?"

He looked slightly over his shoulder at me, then turned again and shuddered.

"My name. My last sodding name!" He brought a hand to his head and breathed. "How could they expect me to be a good man? Maybe they were right. I don't know how to be good. I don't even know who I am. I don't even know if this is me. That's what vampire's are right? Demons? That's what they always say. 'It's not you, it's just a demon with your memories.' Well, fuck!" He threw his glass. It shattered a jolted me a bit. He faced me. "It feels real. I feel real! I remember what it felt like to be a human... But was it even me? Am I still William the Bloody? Or am I just something in his body? I can't just be a demon... I feel so much..."

His breath became shaky. He walked toward me. I backed up a little.

"I feel Cecily... Dru... Buffy... Everyone who's ever left me is here with me. Darla... Angelus." His breath caught even more on Angel's old name. "It's his fault! He made me like this!" He stopped, close to me. He dropped his voice to a near whisper. "Dru made me a dead man. Angel made me a monster."

"Spike..."

"That's right, don't forget who you are Willie. That's your real name. The demon. Spike. You're not that sad little man, as much as you'd like to be. You tear off your face and there's something there... Beneath the skin." He shook his head and his real face came out. "What do you see in me, Dawn? A hero? A champion? Or do you see this? Why do you keep coming back here, day after day? Why do you trust me when you saw what I could do... So long ago... You've seen what I really am, haven't you? How can you trust me?" He shook his head again and his human face came back. "Because you see this. Good looking ain't I? It isn't real Dawn... Nothing is real anymore..." He seized my arms and held them up between us. I was so afraid... something that had spurred all this.

"What did you say to them?" I whispered, my heart beating unevenly, shaken with fear.

He gripped my arms tighter and brought them up close to my chest. As if he hadn't heard me, he continued his thought.

"Nothing is real..." He brought his face closer. "Not even you."

And his lips crashed into mine.

**R&R**


	3. Over Her Dead Body

**Disclaimer: Still a lowly audience member**

Ecstasy. That's what it was for him to kiss me. His mouth sucked away from mine. He leaned away a little bit and opened his eyes. He looked like a great weight had been removed, like he had gotten rid of some kind of tension. He was breathing lighter now. But his eyebrows were still furrowed, almost like he was in concern, like he was unfinished.

But I couldn't trust it. He had never seen me like this… What was going on? Something felt wrong. He leaned back towards me and I pushed him away. I felt the tears in my eyes run silently.

He looked confused. I shook my head.

"I'm not her…" I ran out of the crypt. I heard him yell and throw something against the wall. Sinking down the door to his crypt, I held my legs together and cried.

There was no reason left. The one person I trusted anymore had reduced me to tears. Not real…. I wasn't real…. And I wasn't his Buffy… I slowly pulled myself off the ground, wiping my face with my sleeve. I had to get home… If there was even a home left for me. I crossed my arms and began to pace slowly through the graveyard.

It was a dangerous place to be at night. That's what they always said. A girl like me was too vulnerable and too young to last. That's why they sent me to him… No one knew. The wind sliced through my clothes and I shivered. My steps became more labored. It was so cold… I hit the ground and was reduced to a stammering mess. I curled up next to the graves.

I wonder if they could feel me here… The dead. I was no better than any of them. I was no better than him.

Because I wasn't here. I wasn't real. I rolled up my sleeve to see the jagged cut I had made before. There was so much blood that time.

_"Is this blood?"_

I covered up my arm again. It was too cold to stay here. But in the dark, I didn't now which way was left. So I trudged on. There was one place I knew how to get to in this darkness.

I stopped and kneeled in from of Buffy's grave.

"All he ever wanted was you… You ungrateful bitch. What I would have done…." I punched the headstone, not feeling the pain. "Look what you've reduced us all to…" I punched it again. Blood started to collect beneath my knuckles. "Why couldn't you just let me die!" I punched it again, the blood breaking through and stones from the grave mixing into my open wounds. I slumped in front of her grave.

I just wanted to die.

What would it matter?

He said it. Just like they had said it.

I wasn't real.

**R&R**


	4. Broken

**Disclaimer: You get the deal**

**Part 1**

Then she was gone. What had I done? The anger built up and I screamed at knocked over the table.

I ran to the licqour cabinet and opened another bottle of jack but it slipped out of my hands.

"Cor!" The glass shattered around me, the whiskey spilling over the ground. "God damn it!" I stepped through the glass. It hurt like a bitch but I had to keep walking. I hurried downstairs and jumped onto my bed. I furiously started pulling little pieces of glass out of my feet. It hurt almost more than stepping on them in the first place. I placed the broken bloody shards next to me and lay back down.

"What did I do?" I spoke to an empty room.

_"I'm not her!"_

No, she wasn't. She could never be. Why did I do it? Was it just adrenaline? Or did I really see Buffy? Why did I kiss her? I sat up against the head board and ran my fingers through my hair.

Did I want her?

No, I never did. Not again. Not another Summers. I loved Buffy. There could only be one. That's how it had always been. Or had it?

I didn't even know what I had been. I didn't know what I bloody was. But I'd already said that hadn't I? With her. Dawn Summers.

How could I be so ignorant? Yea sure, the booze was seeping in but that was no excuse.

I said she wasn't real. How could she forgive me for that? Especially when she really wasn't. Being the key and all, I mean. Ball of energy. But she… I felt her. She was real. How couldn't she be? But in that moment of confusion, I didn't think anything was. Not after what they told me. Not after what I said to them.

Oh my god. Where was she now? All alone in the graveyard? I had to help her. Before she got eaten by some big nasty vampire. Ironic right? Then she really would be nothing.

I pulled myself out of bed. I had to find her.

Soon.

I couldn't bare what would happen if I was late.

**Part 2**

I found her in front of her sister's grave. Lying curled up in front of it, she was shivering, practically seizing from the wind. She looked like she had fallen asleep crying. The tears were frozen dry on her face. Frozen sorrow, frozen time. I picked her up bridal-style and began to carry her back towards the crypt. She curled up more and rolled in towards me, looking for some kind of heat I assumed.

"You're not going to find it here, pet. Dead flesh tends to be cold." But still she came closer. There was still a little warmth in her body. I felt her blood pulsing around her. What a miracle life is. One little fleshy organ controls everything. Take that away and there's nothing left. Maybe that's why I felt the same as before I was turned. I was already dead inside.

I kicked open the crypt door and lay her on my bed. The color started to return to her cheeks. I sat down next to her.

"Don't worry, pet. You'll be better in no time."

Five minutes passed.

Then ten.

All I did was contemplate. Did I want her because she was Buffy's sister? Did I want her at all? The way she lay there reminded me of Buffy. Lots of her mannerisms reminded me of Buffy. Then again, everything nowadays reminded me of Buffy. But Dawn was so much more fragile. As much as she'd like to pretend, she wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough.

If Buffy hadn't jumped, Dawn would be dead. And it would have been my fault.

I promised to protect her and I lied. I couldn't even save her from a creepy old man. I was so weak. The fact that I had failed Buffy hurt more than the actual impact when I had been thrown from that tower.

The phone rang upstairs.

I hurried to grab it before it woke her up.

"Spike! Where the hell is Dawn?" The whelp's voice.

"She's here with me." Silence on the other line. "She tried to run out there in the dark. I found her out there and now she's with me. Recovering."

"Spike, bring her home now!" Xander was a little too angry for my taste.

"Why, so you can kill her?"

More silence. Then:

"How did you know?"

"Your ruddy girlfriend. Now hang up the phone."

"Like you'd do any different from us…"

"Don't you dare!"

"Dare what? At least she'd have a chance to survive with us."

"A chance. Just a chance. I'm not going to take her home so you can sodding destroy her!"

"I don't have to. What's your angle Spike? You want Buffy back as much as all of us. Weren't you in love with her? Or at least you thought you were. Now you're all scratch-that-reverse-it-ey?"

"Yes, I loved her. But I wouldn't kill Dawn to get her back."

"Really? You're the evil one. You almost killed all of us at some time. Including Dawn. We're just trying to help her. You don't even know what good is."

My blood was boiling again. I never liked that wanker.

"You listen to me. I don't have a soul, but I know better than to sacrifice a little girl you ass." I slammed the phone.

"Spike?"

Bollocks. I turned to face Dawn, who was standing close behind, wrapped in my ahead.

"Spike, what's going on?"

**R&R yo**


	5. Fractured Sacrifice

**Part 1**

I had only heard part of the conversation. But it was enough. Someone wanted to kill me. I was too dazed by the night's events and my previous condition to remember that I was mad at Spike. I couldn't remember that he kissed me.

"Spike who's trying to kill me now?"

He sighed and rubbed is forehead.

"It's complicated. Please go back to bed."

"Don't give me that…" Suddenly the memories flooded back. "You kissed me…"

"Yes. Now go back to bed."

"Spike what's going on? You're on thin ice right now and there's a lot of good staking material in here."

He huffed and strolled over to the door, locking it securely.

"Your friends want to kill you to save Buffy."

What?

"You're lying to me. Everyone always lies to me!" I curled up. It couldn't be true.

"Dawn there's one thing I'm not and that's a liar. I may cheat, kill, and generally be kind of rotten buy I never lie. Anya told me. They think that you still have some energy from the key left and that they can use the portal you open to get Buffy back."

"Why are you lying to me?"

"I'm not lying! Dawn, listen to me, you know what you have to do to close the portal."

"I have to die."

"Or bleed enough that you're close to it. They have some delusion that if they only open the portal a little they won't have to bleed you to death. Well, they're idiots aren't they? It's part of their hero trip."

It couldn't be true. They'd never even run the risk of hurting me. He said just a few days ago that they cared about me. More than anything. Why would I believe him when he defended them before? He just wanted me to stay and be his Buffy.

And yet I looked into his piercing eyes. I got swept up in the blue. And I didn't care anymore. I knew he was telling the truth. I shook, but this time not from the cold, as I walked to the couch and curled up there. He paced around it and sat next to me.

"Is that why they wanted me not to stay here anymore? Because they knew you'd protect me?"

He looked like he was struggling with something. But he tried to keep his face calm.

"No, bit. That's not why."

"Then why?" He shifted to face me. "Spike I need to know everything."

"I told them that I'd-I'd turn you before I let them kill you."

**Part 2**

What?

My head spin. I couldn't process this.

"How would that have been any better?" I felt the tears coming for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight. "At least if they killed me, I'd still be me. You want to destroy me.

"No! Tha's not at all! Oh sure, you'd bleed to death but you wouldn't put my bloody teeth in your neck! At least if I turned you you wouldn't have to suffer as much. And, by the way, I'd have a chance at restoring your soul and someot! Never ind, it was just a hollow threat anyway."

"That's a serious threat, Spike."

"Stop calling me that!" He raised his hands and closed his eyes, I was afraid he was going to lose it again. I was more afraid then I'd ever been, Not a single person I trusted could be trusted anymore. But he calmed down and dropped his hands. "God, I'm so sorry." He lowered his eyes.

And then I felt something that I shouldn't have felt. I brought myself closer to him.

"William." He looked up. "I'm the one who's sorry." Such a cliche I know, but I didn't know how else to say it. "When you kissed me, were you thinking of her?"

"The truth is I don't know nibblet, I wasn't thinking anything. But I did feel something."

"Something good?"

"Yea." He smirked at the irony. "Good."

**R&R plz**


	6. Find Me

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long guys, I've been away from home and haven't really had internet capabilities until now. Not quite sure where this is going yet so comments are appreciated.**

There was a knocking on the door. A really loud knock. I woke up in Spike's arms on the sofa. I don't remember how we got there, but I do know that nothing…sketchy had happened. Needless to say, things had changed. There was another knock…more like a crash. I looked up to Spike, feeling his body shift as he turned towards the door.

"They're coming for you." He swallowed hard. "Your friends, I mean." He turned, with a feigned calmness. "So, what shall we do?"

I didn't know. I felt ashamed to run away. All they had done was protect me my whole life. Part of me felt like they could protect me now. That whatever spell Willow concocted would work like a charm and I would be safe. Buffy would be back.

And Spike would go back to her.

I had to stay. There were too many risks now continue. I could die. Scratch that, I probably would. And I would lose him. Maybe death would be a relief. I wouldn't have to see Buffy and Spike together. I wasn't going to take that chance.

"Let's get out of here."

We watched Willow and Xander bang down the door one final time with a burst of magic. They filed into the crypt slowly. We hurried through the cemetery.

"Where are we going?"

"Just follow."

We ended up far on the other side of town. He kicked down a large metal door in a dark alley, from the looks of it, the door had been knocked out before, and was just placed back in an upward position in the doorframe without being properly put back. We scaled an industrial looking set of stairs to a basement. On the walls were strangely vampiric paintings. The room was filled with old-looking decor.

"Spike," He was back at the top of the stairs, securing the door back into the frame, bending the edges so that it was practically welded in. "Where are we?"

He looked down the staircase after securing one final bit of the door. "A band of vampire worshippers was squatting here at one point. Thought it'd be a place they wouldn't think of searching for us."

"You killed them didn't you? The vampire groupies?"

"Not all of them… Maybe one or two. I turned one for good behavior." He said it nonchalantly but I could tell he was struggling.

"William…Do you have a soul?"

He gave me a funny look. "No I don't have a ruddy s-"

"Then why do you look so unhappy with yourself?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced.

"Spike? What is it?"

Suddenly, he screamed in pain and fell down the stairs. Hit hit the ground in front of me, unconscious. The vacant look in his eyes would have told me he was dead if I didn't see a faint glimmer behind his eyes.

"Spike! Spike! Wake up!" I felt a panic rise in me. What was happening to him? "William! Goddamn it, wake up!" There was no response. I felt the tears well up. "Spike!"

Suddenly, he woke up and threw me off of him.

"Who are you? How did-how did I get…. Where are my glasses?" He stood and looked around, frightened. "What happened? There was a woman…in the alley and she…" He stopped, blushed at me, and then turned around himself again.

The realization hit me.

"William?" I spoke hesitantly.

"How do you know my name? Who are you? W-" He grasped his head again and fell unconscious again; the same blank look.

When he awoke all he could do was shake. He didn't speak or look at anything. I didn't try to talk to him. But eventually, I had to cry. The noise didn't shake him, he didn't even notice anything in the room had changed.

But whatever was happening to him…to us…was going to change everything.

**R&R!**


	7. The Plan

This was awesome.

"Boys, I give you… Success!" I popped open a bottle and began to pour each glass.

"This isn't…alcoholic is it?" The ginger said nervously.

"Aw, did mommy tell you no getting smashed?" I laughed and brought my glass toward the other two. "To our first successful evil plot!"

They clinked glasses. The short one took a sip and sputtered. "You know the shaken, not stirred, thing?"

"Yea."

"I prefer mine stirred…" He coughed again.

"Well if both of you are going to be babies about it, I could just drink up myself." I took a long swig.

"Um… Mister leader…" The ginger began.

"I thought we agreed on Optimus Prime…" the other started.

"No, Optimus Prime is the good guy, we are the bad guys, remember?" I drank again. "You can just call me by my name until I say otherwise. Now what was it you wanted to say, oh insignificant one?"

He sheepishly continued. "Well… It's just… Why do we care about this… I mean Spike's obviously the most muscular and most dashing…" I raised an eyebrow. He stuttered and continued. "I mean… best fighter… of the group. But without the slayer, why does their little gang even matter?"

I rolled my eyes, we had gone over this a thousand times.

"Because, Forrest Gump, they are still the freedom fighters. They won't stop trying to bring her back until they do or die trying. With the other slayer in jail in LA, they're the only real threat here. With them gone, the Hellmouth is ours."

"Look, all I'm saying is, why not go for Elphaba or something? Clearly, there are more central figures in the group we could go for…"

"Because Spike has power over Dawn." I made little kissing lips. "She's in llllloooovvveeeee." I sat back and laughed. "We take them out, Dawn loses hope, she goes to our brainwashed little friends to die. Once we lift the spell on them, they realize what they've Dawn and fall apart. We kill Spike, we indirectly kill Little Sister, and viola, instant chaos. Everything's more serious when it involves a child."

The three of us started laughing all at once.

Real supervillians.

Success.

**R&R**


End file.
